Take Care

Now we have spoken about women enough today. Now lets talk about something a bit more important: you. Yes you. Besides pornography and alcohol what does your life really consist of? Are you active in your community? Do you strive to better yourself and those around you? Have you ever been outside the United States of America? If the answers to these questions are a resounding NO then realize you are probably :the average guy.


This blog is not about being average. It is about being better. To do same thing and expect different results is insane. When you work on being the best YOU, then you can attract the best HER. If your female selection is very farce then it might be a small indication of what is going on in YOUR life. Sorry the entire blog can't be about women.

Oh by the way this is called "taking responsibility for your situation and implementing change" (i.e. being proactive about your life)

READ. More than the sports section of the NY TIMES. (and please read the Times). Pick up a book on politics, art, fashion something you are interested in....and learn more. It is simple and will expand how you look at more than your barnes and noble membership.

WORK OUT. Physical exercise helps with stress and overall well being. Running is something you can do without a gym membership and is a great way to lose weight. You will have to wake up earlier but it will help you feel more productive about your day. Join a gym and consistently go. You would be surprised how quickly going to the gym becomes addictive and part of your routine.

EAT BETTER. A lot the medical problems many people face can be traced back to lack of a good diet. Don't eat fast food often, stay away from caffine and alcohol as much as possible. Don't smoke. Cook your own food. Eat vegs and fruits. Drink water. This is not rocket science. You know that grilled chicken salad will be better than that bacon cheese burger as a lunch option.

Women are more naturally inclined to take care of themselves: manicure, pedicures, facials. It is a physcially thing but also a physiological thing. We men need follow suite and try to pay more attention to US. Ever wonder why women live longer then men? Its not because of more orgasms....

The Other Woman

I would just like to preface todays entry by saying that this blog will not just consist of rantings about women. We will get into finance, health and general behavior to help your overall male well being. But since we can link almost all those things to women....well you get the point. Lets get all this shit out first.

So in the never ending quest to decipher the enigma of "woman" we have come to the most over looked tool in their comprehension: another woman. Yup, that's right another woman is the best way to understand another woman. Now before I continue I must explain how you use a woman (not like a pimp uses a woman) to help you better yourself and your interactions with them. If you are married or in a serious relationship and you have a good female friend whom you talk to about EVERYTHING going on with you and your women understand she probably has thought about sleeping with you. At some point she has envisioned what your penis looks like. Just except that.

Now since most women know how most women think your current wife/girlfriend will probably not like you hanging around said woman too much. Married couples really don't have too many "single" friends anymore. Married men have to have other married men friends and women. This is all probably blowing your mind but stick with me this is all going somewhere.

If you are single the same rules apply however sleeping with your female friend is a bit more difficult because you are more "available" and your "homegirl" knows just how much of a whore you are.

Now how do you use all this to your advantage? You must make this other woman "visible", meaning your girlfriend/wife must be aware of her....on her radar. She might not like it but it will keep her "sharp". Now most women know men see other women...they don't like it but they live with it. Women are brave that way. You as a man need to reassure her that despite constantly having this other woman in your immediate space your only natural concern is her. This is called "affirmation". Women need this every once in a while, it is like an "ataboy" but for women.
It is like hearing "wow you have a huge penis" every few months....nice to hear no?

So pick some random event, party, social gathering that you and your wife/girlfriend can both enjoy and that said "other woman" frequents. Now your wife/girlfriend will immediately "perk up" once "other woman" walks into the room. You won't notice this at all, you are a guy and are immune. It is like trying to hear a dog whistle. Once the two are in the same vicinity all you have to do is concentrate all your energy on your wife/girlfriend. Completely ignore said "other woman". That 's it.

Now this seems quite arbitrary and unrelated to being emotionally in tune with your wife/girlfriend. But you are thinking like a man.....stop that! For a woman you have just proved in those 2 hours: 1. This other woman means nothing to you 2. Your wife/girlfriend looks way better 3. You love her.

Now the three years you have spent together supporting one another and this one night where you just stare at your wife/girlfriends breasts as apposed to the 40 other pair in the room hold equal weight.

I know you are trying to rationalize this.....and I implore you to stop as this blog was not intended to cause migraine headaches. The beautiful thing about all this? The "other woman" will sense that she has not gotten your attention ONCE all night. She will surmise you are a good boyfriend/husband, you will become MORE attractive to her and thoughts of your penis will consume her. Its a win-win dude.....you're welcome!

Lost in Translation

"No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" - Albert Einstein


So....you say you wanna figure women out huh? Well sir join the freaking club: member since 1981. Since the dawn of man the question as to "why" or "how" a woman does things has baffled more minds than a few. Seriously I have inquired to both men and women a like about the fallacies and inaccuracies that plague the female mind and both have drawn a blank which leads me to believe that women are on some different shit that we men will NEVER understand EVER!

And I am not talking about the normal baffling questions: "Do you think I look fat?". Listen guys let me de-funk this for you: yes she does look fat and she knows you look fat otherwise she would not have asked the question. It is sort of like asking "Think the Yankees will win it all this year? Obviously if you asked you have doubts....

She asked you that question guys to see what you were going to say. I don't know where in the history of mankind this became the national pastime for women but it has gained amazing popularity since the dawn of creation: "Hey Adam, you want a fruit salad?"

Women are constantly thinking, about everything, including what you are thinking. And because women pride themselves on being extremely clever they try to indirectly ask you questions to see what your reactions are and based on that surmise why you exist on the planet. It is all really simple. The usual question of "what are you thinking" annoys the hell out of men *hint, hint*. So women will try to ask the very same question in a round about way

But before I continue, women, seriously...if someone asked you "what are you thinking/on your mind" everytime you guys got around one another wouldn't you want to slap them? Sure guys aren't communicative and we "close up" but it is 5:25....I walked in the house at 5:00pm....maybe I dunno 6:45 might be a better time to find out my inner most thoughts and desires? Just food for thought....

So when you hear a question, that breaks you out of the self induced stooper you have put yourself in while watching the game, of "what do you think about the Roberts getting a divorce after a year". Please translate that to: "I'd like your thoughts on marriage and divorce to see how yours and mine match up". Not "lets talk about some random people I only see at the laundry and try to avoid". Come on guys get on the ball! Its simple!

THE GREATEST MAN SONG EVER

For obvious reasons......if you are a man and don't like this song...question yourself:

What I Know About Women

Now I haven't been around the block that long...as you can tell from my hip speech and witty commentary; I am a pretty young guy. I am wise none the less but doing my best to escape the 30 year old marker coming up in a few years. But in my short time here on this planet I have a massed a small plethora of knowledge on different topics and subjects. Politics, money, love, yes....i said it the L word. It is not impossible to witness love in the hands of a male. Very much an emotion and not just a word to be thrown around it needs its own channel on cable....but to say i am an expert on love would be an egregious error. But I do know a bit about the interactions between men and women as I have been in a few. And this is what I have a massed so far:


1. Women are emotional. Point blank. Period. Just accept it and move on with your life. If you ever try to decipher or change this fact you might as well try to move the Brooklyn Bridge by yourself as well. Good luck. Women and men think differently but emotionally aren't THAT far from one another. I don't really care if you are dating a biker chick....if you two "connect" (i.e. she has more than 3 orgasms with you) then even in her own biker-chick way she will show you she cares (i.e. robbing someone and giving you all the proceeds) and you need to reciprocate this otherwise you are a bastard.

2. Women need complements. Like fish need water and birds need to fly. Now this is not a negative. It is just a reassurance thing. And in fact everyone needs to hear good things about themselves every now an again. Women are no different. If you told your wife/girlfriend she was beautiful every day it would start to get old quick. Im sure she is not "a ray of light" at 5:30 in the morning. Most people aren't. But if you notice her out the corner of your eye and the thought crosses your mind how cute she is, tell her. Free blowjobs for a week! Im speaking from experience people! Isn't it great when your boss tells you how well you did on a project? Rather than how late you always are? Same thing. *This works both way ladies, guys like complements as well. Genuine ones. Not the generic "thats the biggest I have ever seen" lies you usually tell us*





3. You pay. Women are very empowered now adays. They don't need a man to do anything for them. Except move heavy furniture, kill bugs and rats and figure out what that "rattling noise" is in their car. Ever notice how if you are with a woman and there is something wrong with her car she will automatically assume YOU know what it is? Like it is just man law you are part mechanic? But I guess men do the same thing when we assume women can cook if they also know how to breathe....touche.

But being the "man" of a relationship gets a bit tiring and exhausting. So when a woman can relinquish some of those responsibilities to her partner and just well be a woman and taken care of? Well she will do so EVERYTIME hands down...I don't care if she is the queen of Sheeba. At the end of the day she wants a man to be there for her and make her feel protected and safe. Like she doesn't have to worry about anything in the world because "he got it". That being said don't let her pay for anything (esp on a first date). Make sure





4. Women want to be whores. Now before I receive backlash comments about this statement being sexist (because it is) let me explain. Women, despite their most well put together front, are very sexual beings. They think about sex just as much as men if not more. But due to what society says they should or shouldn't be like many women suppress this part of themselves for fear of being labeled a "whore" "skank" "slut" etc, etc....

Now many women only reveal the inner sexual deviant when comfortable with someone or when really aroused. Now women are aroused by intellect, character, AND a nice ass. Where as men might only need one of these for intercourse to happen. To surmise this into an example:

Woman A. Is God fearing. She is a mother and she is highly respected by her peers and in her community. She is also human and has a boring sex life. She read tons of Zane novels to live out the sexual fantasies she knows she is to chicken to carry out. Said woman goes on a cruise with her sister and low and behold *insert male sex object*





is also on said cruise. It has been tabloid news that he has recently broken up with his long time Hollywood girlfriend.

Now Woman A is completely IN LOVE with said mail sex object. You put them both in a room together, with drinks and opportunity...added to the fact that she is on vacation. Well woman A might turn into a stripper for 45 mins. Why? Is it because she is really a nymphomaniac? Perhaps. But she is moreso human. Given the right opportunity and environment, well just about anything can happen.

But back to my point: your wife/girlfriend isn't secretly moonlighting at Scores. But she probably does have sexual fantasies and desires you don't know about. Talk to her, see what she might be holding back. You would be surprised at what you might find: an inner freak! Remember the more comfortable a woman is (like anyone) the more likely she'll be to open up. Explore. And deep down that's what she really wants to do anyway...you just have to be the lucky schmuck she deems worthy to receive it.

5. Size matters.

We'll stop here as you probably need to ingest this enlightening information. As these small jewels float around your mind today remember that these are generalities and don't apply in all instances. Could you girlfriend but a bonafide whore and not really suppressing her urges? Sure...but if you are dating a whore, well brother you got bigger problems this blog just won't solve. Thanks.....

The Bitch and A Dog

So apparently you have had sex with more than 10 women in your life.....super. Not exactly Wilt Chamberlain numbers but you have been around the block a few times. Now 10 sounds like a pretty round number no? If you add in how many times you have actually had sex with each woman well you could have had sex more than 100 times......but relax cowboy John Holmes you are not. Now imagine if you met a nice young lady and you were dumb enough to ask her a question like...I dunno "hey how many times have you had sex before us"? An answer like 100 times comes up.....your immediate reaction? WHORE WHORE!!! delete delete.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen you have just witnessed the "double standard". In the paradigm of men and women there are unique double standards that sort of dictate and move the dynamics of male/female relationships. At certain times we fight against these upspoken rules...while at other times we are thankful for them because they allow a perfect deflection from any type of ownership of otherwise negative behavior.


For example if you are a woman you are tired of men gawking at your the minute you wear anything closely hugging your body. You like looking good but don't like feeling like a fish in a fishbowl. It is uncomfortable. Now here is the question that will blow your mind: If you wear something that you think you look "good" in and get not ONE man to look, stare or give notice would you wear it again?

This is the unique double standard in rare form.

Guys doesn't it bug you that women feel that just because you are a guy you are suppose to know how to "fix" stuff? That because you were born with a penis you have this innate ability to be handy with some power tools? I mean where in the man handbook did they teach us that? But here's YOUR question, and be honest, how many guys would date a female carpartner/mechanic that new more than you did about fixing stuff and was always showing you how to do things? Hmmm......?

Im sure the people reading this blog is that 1 percent that says they wouldn't care but lets talk about the other 99 percent. Even though we complain about the double standards we encourage them and abide by them all the time. Why? because when we have a game plan, a rule book to tell us kind of how things should work. Well it leave less room for confusion and we (men and women) have enough to think about with out the constant pressure of defining our role with the opposite sex. I am a man, i can have many sexual partners and it is ok. You are a woman, you can cry and be emotional and are to only date one person at a time if you would like to keep your good name. Those are rules. I didn't make them up....they just are. Like the rain and shit.

Men are dogs. Women can be bitches. Deal with it. If you don't like it then guys let your woman fix your car and take out the garbage. Women if there is a mouse or waterbug in your kitchen kill it yourself and if you see your man crying at movies and while watching oprah.....have sex with him cause he is turning you on and not forcing you to say to yourself...."God he acts like a bitch.".....

Its the little things

So.....seems like the blog so far has been geared towards relationships huh? Well....seeing as women and vagina probably motivate 90% of what men do...you can see how this could have transpired.

If every woman on the planet disappeared haircuts would become a word used to describe a monthly trek to places called barbershops where old men congregate and talk about how nice it was when breasts roamed the streets. Haircuts would become the phrase used to describe the preventative measures taken to stop lice and mite from growing in your scalp. Casio wristwatches would turn into Rolexes as would Honda Civics and Totoya Camaries become Mercedes Benz and BMWs. Gym memberships would include walking to the store to buy food and using the bathroom too many times a day. Social attitudes would steer away from going out to eat, watching a good movie or bonus being 3% lower than last year. It would shift to more nostalgic topics like: "Remember when there were more choices than gay porno". Why? Well because the only people left on the planet to notice anything are a bunch of guys....translation: you could probably walk around with a chicken in your ass and it would be a week before someone politely asked to remove it because the bus is starting to smell like chicken shit....



DETAILS!! THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAILS!!!

Women notice everything fellas and as creatures of habit we do not (truth hurts huh?). But that is fine. As long as you can embrace the fact and don't try to ignore it by pushing yourself to remember dates you don't care about, watch movies you can't stand or listen to conversations that make you want to rip your eyes out.
Women remember everything! Dates, events, social security numbers! Jesus! Ever ask a woman "hey went did we first kiss?" she probably has the time, place, and atmosphere tattooed on her forearm. Ask a guy? "Ummm.....summertime".

Sorry women we just aren't built that way. GET THE FUCK OVER IT. We don't get mad that you think a touchdown is when a pitcher hits the ball over the fence do we? (Acutally we do but that will be in another blog post for women). As sexes it behooves us to accept the differences between one another rather than trying to always fight to change them. If you accepted the other person for how they were rather than how you would like them to be it would bode for a lot more happier people.

But since we live in reality here is a small tip from YOURS TRULY to impress the shit out of your lady: The next time you two are out somewhere and she mentions she likes a pair of shoes or bag or anything make mental note (use a piece of paper if you have to) of where you guys are and the name of the store. A week from that day make sure the shoes, bag, whatever she pointed at, is in her bedroom. Done.

Women NEVER expect much of men so the fact that you were 1. listening 2 paying attention will blow her away. You can also do this with conversation if you are broke like I am. Try to concentrate on just ONE thing she says (this might take some practice and training) and just remember that ONE thing. Keep it to yourself and just bring it up out of the blue at dinner or something "Hey remember when you said xyz...". Again she will be shocked and amazed you 1. remember and 2 you were listening.

Now remeber all these suggestions on how you can be a better man are just suggestions and not to be taken as written law of how to act. (You got to gauge it genius) and this woman you are buying random shit for should be someone you really like. We got no love for hoes........

The Asshole Factor

So I have come to the conclusion that women only really go after you if you become a complete asshole. Nice guys (sorry if you are reading this) finish first in movies but in the matrix (i.e. reality?)....if shit stepped in you shit would wipe you off its foot.

Now does this mean you need to go out and start smacking women and calling them "bitches and hoes" to compensate for the evitable disappointment that will likely occur in your future attempts at relationships.....of course not! This isn't a rap video! You need to stop being nice all the damn time or learn when it is deemed necessary and when it is a complete handicap.

For example: If you treat a girl well, you get married, have a child together you find her cheating, go to court lose your house, your child and amass 50,000 in debt due to lawyer fees only to find out the child wasn't yours to begin with....this might be ground to not hit (we never want to go to jail) but shake the shit out of a woman. Or get your unruly girl cousins to beat her up.

On the other hand if you get a girl pregnant and you guys decide not to go forward with the baby and she asked you help her with the doctors fees or to come and be there for her....well do it. You helped her kind of be in that situation so she is probably scared. Don't be a heartless ass. (in this case)

These are both extremes but we need to set the paradigm about how you need to proceed. See women (yes I know it all) like most people test boundaries. Despite the clear indication of where they are made by their partners they will still feel the need to make sure they haven't mysteriously moved six inches away from the mainland like California does with each passing year. At work, at the gym you do things to see if anyone is going to check you on it. If they don't, cool. If they do well you know what not to do. So here is the thing with women: you MUST set your boundaries and stick to them. She HAS to know *what pisses you off and what doesn't and you can't waiver. If you don't like something SAY it, compromise is for suckers! Because while a certain amount of it is expected too much of it will have you wanting to shoot yourself in the foot, head, stomach....etc.

And you know the crazy thing? Women will RESPECT you more! The saddest thing in the world is to see a man not respected by his woman.....LORD!! She might as well just walk around punching him in the face all day. However if he puts his foot down, says no, grabs the back of her head and says "make me a sandwich" in a rough tone...he might get a blowjob! WOMEN GO FIGURE!

Every woman wants a guy with a backbone. If you didn't pick one up at Target during the holiday sale get one off ebay. But make sure you have one in your repertorie NYC regime. Just don't wear it on your sleeve as it will leave you exhausted emotionally. And dealing with another person can do that on its own. Women seem to gravitate towards people they deem strong than they are......men do to. So make sure your asshole tendencies are legit.

The Ex-Factor

So this was probably the most uneventful fourth of July in recent history. The over cast weather coupled with insane cost for well, just about everything made this very much a "staycation" weekend.....but even the staycations were wack. I am usually bombarded with a plethora of emails and text messages about barbecues, parties and get togethers for the long weekend....this fourth of July?? *crickets*.....

So anyway back to the blog so....ok sorry sidenote: man breasts. And before you become all homophobic please allow me to clarify my statement. While women hold the coveted title on vanity as we move into the 21st century more of us guys are also paying attention to how we present ourselves. Now while we won't walk around half Manhattan for shoes that will hurt our feet JUST to show up some bitch we don't like from accounting we still tend to try to keep ourself presentable if for nothing else to attract the opposite sex. And it is for this reason I feel the need to comment and say, if you have man breasts 1. do not wear tight shirts. I wish I had utlitized my camera phone and took a picture of the pair of knockers i saw on the V train last week....what the fuck? The dude could have breast a small infant and 2. Do not i repeat DO NOT run or go jogging with no shirt on. This is just really disgusting. Whether in the gym or outside..put those two dilapidated things away.

This has been a public service announcement....

So upon speaking with a very close female friend of mine (as the female mind is an enigma that is in a constant shroud of mystery) trying to get her advice on women and how to understand them I had a moment of clairvoyance. If you are reading this blog and you are 18-24, ignore the next few lines.

If you are over the age of 25 and realize that 30 is literally waiting for you around the corner read on: Love (yes I said it!) is too much of a fleeting thing not to fight for it! And I will explain this comment shortly before people start to question my manhood.

At this age (25-32) shit you did at 20 just isn't cool anymore. As you get older you realize that not calling a girl you REALLY like so that you appear "cool" is well....kinda dumb. (Women this kind of works for you as well. Since there is no good guys out there apparently if you find one stalk him and don't be shy about it)

So you like a girl, but she hasn't called you but you don't want to "sweat" her.....if you really like her then why NOT call her? Why not show you are interested....think about it? You are pretty fucked either way because if she doesn't call you well you feel like an ass....but if you keep doing what you are doing...well you get where I am going don't you? Might as well try.

That being said if you are randomly having sex with some hottie from Jersey please do not call her right now and say you want to get "serious" or profess your love on her myspace page so that all her "friends" know who you are. No no no.. that is not what I mean. But if you have someone who you think you might want to actually take to meet your mother, don't just let her fade off into the sunset because you didn't use your cell phone after 9 o'clock. Don't be a *dick.


*should you reach out to said girl more than a few times express your interest, take her out etc....and get no response or she isn't consistently giving you the energy you give her?......cut her the (^!@(*#&* off.

The Man Show

As the inaugural blog post let me first say welcome. 10,000 feet: This blog is intentioned to be a haven for male ego, opinion and (gasp!) the occasional male emotional outbreak, however rare. 1000 feet: This blog is a refuge for people looking to get perspective from intelligent, caring, thoughtful men who also have voices that rarely are listened to and too often devalued! 100 feet: This blog is a unique way to give men advice and insight on the issues and concerns that we all have at times and the best way to handle them. 10 feet: This is a male relationship blog. 12 inches: This is my personal message board to bitch and moan should I feel the need. Enjoy.

Staycation

"Staycation" is a phrase coined by some genius marketing person to lend a descriptive phrase to the shared ideology of the country: "I ain't doing sh@!#"--> Due to increased gas prices, plane and movie tickets and general public consensus of a jacked up economy people are having a staycation for the 4th.....in their couches, on their porches and deep deep in their backyards, if they have one (they are scare in the concrete jungle).

Great! This means that when your girlfriend wants to go to the Jersey Shore to "hang out" or expects special "plans" because of the the holiday weekend you can gladly say "Hey I am broke and us going out is going to make it worse!" Right? Wrong!

Women are not thinking about the economy! They aren't worrying about gas prices, YOU drive! When is the last time she paid for a dinner? 1998? So who cares what the price of entrees are?

To the women who read this blog who do own cars, use them and give money to people who come and pick you up from far places, God bless you. To the rest of you bitches read on.

So as a MAN it is your job to plan something, but also your job as a decent human freakin' being to also make sure you can pay your light bill in a month. What do you do?

The only thing you can do in one of the worse economic climates in recent history: become creative. No one has more imagination than someone with no money and time. Go to your local prision and give an inmate a month a McGuyver survival package with 3 highlights, a match stick, two pens and a half a cheeca pet and he will make a weapon out of it with the ability to kill you in your sleep. Is it because he is inventive? Most likey he isn't even high school educated, but with enough time and lack of resources all sorts of wondrous things blossom!

Now that being said please don't develop weapons of mass destruction to start killing your annoying girlfriends in their sleeps. We don't want to harbour bad karma here but we do want to let you know that free events, movies, plans, and things in general are the almost sure fire way to remain "the man" and keep yourself from smacking your $$$ insensitive partner for being alive.....

Fireworks --> the fourth of July is always a great freebie. Pick a spot. Get a good view and enjoy the romantic, thoughtful, sappy moment you have just created! The fourth of july Macy fireworks is a great way to be romantic/thoughtful without doing too much. Make some peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches and bring a cheap bottle of wine. Presto! Instant thoughtfulness.
Now the best thing to do is pretend you don't have anything planned and invite her to make a "store run" with you....drive around until you get to the place you picked out and walk out to find a nice little spot.

My next post will probably be about children so please use condoms! Your Welcome!